Some Comedy

Some Comedy

– Due to the nature of content and the adult language used, children under the age of five should not be permitted to read this section. They should instead wait until they start kindergarten and ride the school bus like the rest of us did. Some things will be carried a little far out there. This is intentional. This is after all some comedy. Don't take it too serious.

The People Triangle

Engineering is all about helping you put reality into perspective. I brought you morning wood, and now I bring you another set of helpful guidelines.

While on my first co-op, I was educated on the engineering triangle. Basically it boils down to the basic constraints you have to deal with, namely:

Quality, time, cost. Pick any two of the three. If you want quality at low cost it is going to take you a lot of time. If you want it quick and cheap, the quality is going to suck. If you need it quick, but it has to be high quality, it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg.

Those are the basic fundamentals or governing dynamics. In my opinion, any given task, or project boils down to proportions. They are all relative and subject to the intent. You can even apply this to dinner. You want it quick and cheap, pop open some Rahmen noodles. But it’s not a quality meal. Depending on your skills, you can cook a good meal for low cost, but it’s going to take time. You see?

People, when you boil it down to it, are no different. You have personality, intelligence and beauty.

I call it beauty, maybe it should be attractiveness, but I reserve that for the picture as a whole. Ladies, for your purpose, put handsomeness or something like that. You all get my drift.

Anyway, just as I stated earlier, everything is proportional. What I didn’t address is the size of the triangle. Now in the engineering world, you easily come to the conclusion that this is the size of the particular project, task, etc. In engineering, everything is also relative. A pedal car looks small next to a dump truck, right?

Well, all in all I move to people. We can each define the members of the opposite sex, or same sex if that’s your triangle, by the triangle. We are all looking for certain proportions and a certain size. You can be a dumb, ugly asshole or you can be a BIG dumb, ugly asshole. By the same token, you can be one amazing person, and how big depends.

Now, I apply this to women, in a general manner. I don’t really have a system, I’m just aware it exists, and this is a piece of how I give relationship advice when playing “older brother.” But in all seriousness, you go out, you’re looking around. You see someone.

Now most cases, you start off with the wrong part of the triangle, cause you base it on looks if you go up and talk to them or not. (I’m guessing. I usually don’t have it in me to mack it. It’s usually a funny embarrassment, funny to my friends that is, when I get pushed into it, but the Crossgates Mall story is another one altogether.) Of course it can’t be completely overlooked either.

Anyway, you start talking to this person somehow. You’re trying to come up with some sort of conversation line. Now you should be able to determine intelligence and get an idea of personality depending on what you’re looking for and what you’re talking about. Still, I’m not sure if it’s that easy to determine someone’s personality that fast. It usually takes a little more time. There are different settings to investigate. What’s she like with her friends, etc.

Eventually, you come to your conclusions. You may find nothing, you may find a great friend and you might find the love of your life. There is no substitute for great chemistry and the content contained within.

The F-Density Curve

If I were to write a text book on life, this would certainly go in it. It was winter quarter, sophomore year in Mechanics of Materials when Prof. Scarborough threw this up on the board. Personally, I think they should teach this at the junior high level. It could go something like this:

Hello boys and girls, today we are going to talk about intelligence. This is practical information and all of you will be able to go home and apply what you've learned today. How many of you have ever used the word 'fuck'? Ahh, I see we have a lot of fuckers in the room (I already knew this). Well, be wary in your usage. You don't want to get branded for something you’re not. Turn to page 223 and observe chart A:

Now as you can see, there is a correlation between ones intelligence and the frequency one uses 'fuck.' The newer text books have a revised version of the table which actually goes down and touches the x axis. I believe there was a lawsuit from some Christian Fundamentalists that was settled outside of court just last year.

None the less, observe how ignorant people use the word fairly frequent, your conservatives sit down in the trough and people with high intelligence use it as part of their regular volcab, but do not over use it. The California versions substitute 'like' in place of 'fuck.' Have a nice weekend, class dismissed.

If a Capristo were a Car…

Capristo - The True Definition of a Man.
(Acura)

Capristo - Looks are not enough.
(Alfa Romeo) - Power for your control.

Capristo - Power, Looks and Soul.
(Aston Martin)

Capristo - Everyone dreams of a Capristo.
(Audi) - Never Follow.

Capristo - The Ultimate Loving Machine .
(BMW) - Sheer loving pleasure.

Capristo - Dream Up .
(Buick) - Capristo. It's All Good.
- Capristo. The spirit of American style.

Capristo - Creating a Higher Standard.
(Cadillac) - Standard of the World.

Capristo - Prepare to want one.
(Chevrolet) - Born Strong.
- The Heartbeat of America: Capristo.

Capristo - Capristo, Inspiration comes standard.
(Chrysler)

Capristo - Capristo. Grab Life by the Horns.
(Dodge) - Capristo. Different.

Capristo - Driven by passion.
(Fiat)

Capristo - The Best never rest.
(Ford) - Built Capristo Tough.
- Have you ridden a Capristo lately?
- Can't get enough of this.
- "Unique in All the World."

Capristo - We are the Professional Grade Lover.
(GMC)

Capristo - The Power of Dreams.
(Honda)

Capristo - Go!
(Holden)

Capristo - Capristo. Like Nothing Else.
(Hummer)

Capristo - Love. Love your way.
(Hyundai) - Always There for You.

Capristo - Born to perform.
(Jaguar) - Unleash a Capristo.
- Don't dream it. Love it!
- Capristo. The art of performance.
- Grace.... space... pace.

Capristo - Capristo. There's Only One.
(Jeep)

Capristo - Capristo. The Power to Surprise.
(Kia)

Capristo - New Doors Opened.
(Lancia)

Capristo - Come see what a Capristo is made of.
(Land Rover)

Capristo - The Passionate Pursuit of Perfection.
(Lexus) - The Relentless Pursuit of Perfection.

Capristo - Capristo. Love Well.
(Lincoln) - What a Man Should Be.

Capristo - Excellence through passion.
(Maserati)

Capristo - In pursuit of perfection.
(Maybach)

Capristo - It just feels right.
(Mazda) - Passion for the road.

Capristo - Unlike any other.
(Mercedes)

Capristo - New Doors Opened.
(Mercury) - Imagine Yourself with a Capristo now.

Capristo - You can with a Capristo.
(Nissan)

Capristo - Start Something.
(Oldsmobile) - Have one for yourself.

Capristo - "Achtung baby!!"
(Opel)

Capristo - Ask a girl who has One.
(Packard)

Capristo - Capristo. Live the pleasure.
(Peugeot) - The love of your life.

Capristo - We are loving excitement.
(Pontiac) - Fuel for the Soul.
- We build excitement.
- Capristo: Designed for Action.

Capristo - Capristo, There is No Substitute.
(Porsche)

Capristo - The creator of excellence.
(Renault)

Capristo - Trusted to deliver excellence.
(Rolls-Royce) - The loudest noise doesn’t come from the clock .

Capristo - Capristo. A Class Of Its Own.
(Rover)

Capristo - Capristo. Move your mind.
(SAAB)

Capristo - A different kind of man, a different kind of love.
(Saturn)

Capristo - Capristo. Humo emocion.
(SEAT)

Capristo - Capristo. Simply Clever.
(Skoda)

Capristo - Smart. Open your mind.
(Smart Car)

Capristo - Capristo. Think. Feel. Love.
(Subaru) - Loved By What's Inside .
- When You Get It, You Get It.
- Driven by What's Inside.

Capristo - Get the Feeling. Capristo.
(Toyota) - I love what you do for me - Capristo!
- Oh what a feeling, Capristo.
- You, asked for it. You got it, Capristo .

Capristo - Once ridden, forever smitten.
(Vauxhall)

Capristo - Capristo. Lovers wanted.
(Volkswagen)

Capristo - For life.
(Volvo)

Morning Wood

I’m sure all of you ladies out there remember it. It was one of the first times you slept next to a guy. At some point, you ended up spooning, or spooned up next to him in the morning and woke up before he did. And then you noticed something and found you asking yourself “Is that? I think… Yeah that definitely is. Mr. Erection.”

Morning wood. Even Beavis and Butthead set out to uncover the great mystery of morning wood. For us guys, it’s pretty much something guys grow up with. You go to bed at night and wake up with a pitched tent in the morning. It was the summer of ’99 when one of my best friends felt the need to announce it every morning. It was hilarious, “Oh-My-God. I’ve-Got-Morning-Wood!”

Well, around this phenomenon, there surrounds a lot of mystique, misconception and misinformation. So I’ve taken it upon myself to above all, educate all of you ladies out there and perhaps shed a deeper light on the subject for you men.

Ladies, I’m sorry to disappoint, but morning wood does arise because of how beautiful you are. It is not because you or he used Herbal Essence to wash your hair, or because you turned him down for sex the night before. I don’t care what the guy says to you, unless he was up an hour beforehand to drain the lizard, it has nothing to do with you. He’s giving you a bs line hoping to get more than breakfast that morning and simply get some.

Morning wood, among guys, is also known as a piss hard on (PHO). It can actually happen any time, but mostly happens at night while the guy is sleeping. This results because the guy is sleeping and his bladder exceeds his normal “I have to go take a leak” point, which is pre-PHO, but does not hit his critical “I have to piss now” point.

Up until the point where the critical point is reached, the body sleeps. Once reaching the critical point, the subconscious says “Wake the f up!” Only in the drunkest or most drugged states does the message fail to get through.

The fact of the matter is, in most cases, as the guy relieves himself, Mr. Happy shrinks in the palm of his hand, literally. Really, it’s the exact opposite of throwing those little dinosaurs in water and watching them grow. In this case, Mr. Happy becomes Mr. Floppycock.

How? Why? As an engineer I’m drawn back to fluid dynamics. So I’ll lay some ground work that I hope everyone can follow, and then dive in to the topic at hand. One of the most basic methods to perform a fluids analysis is to assume a) steady state conditions, b) 1-D flow c) the fluid is incompressible and d) a fixed volume. You have other things but they aren’t relevant for this illustration. So what does all that jargon mean? Well, steady state means the volume/amount of fluid that goes into your fixed volume at one end comes out at the other. Think of this as water going through your garden hose, when left at one position, say all the way open (steady). 1-D flow. You have up-down, left-right, front-back and fluids can flow in any combination of these. Ladies, Pick 1 one of the 3 pairs. One. I recommend left-right, just like reading, just like your IQ is normal. Shit can swirl, but we aren’t concerned with that. Your fixed volume, well, go back to the garden hose. Take the amount of space in the hose, and there you have it.

So how can we apply that to the male body? Steady state, well, that doesn’t work. If that were true, we’d all be walking around dripping all over the place. Shit. The first step and everything is already messed up.

Let’s see what else is going on. 1-D Well yeah, it goes down our tube from the kidney, into the bladder (our “fixed” volume) and exits at some point out another tube and into that porcelain thing hanging on the wall. If it’s not hanging on the wall, then you can perform sonar experiments with that other porcelain thing sitting on the floor – do I hear water…. Ah, there it is. Target acquired.

Incompressible? Take my word for it, water is incompressible, air (also a fluid) is not. If you fill a balloon with air, but not too much, you can compress it between your hands. In this little diagnosis, it’s too bad we don’t piss air. Otherwise I could say we’ll just take Mr. Bladder and use him like the tank on an air compressor. Darn.

But the bladder your “fixed” volume. Is it? It’s not like our garden hose. It’s more like a balloon. That sucker can expand. Wrong again. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Two out of my 4 assumptions are shot to hell. I’m batting .500 which is great for baseball, but can kill people in engineering. Hey, you’d die if my calculation meant you were going to piss yourself in front of a big presentation, out at the bar or any other public place. You’d be pissed and want to kill me as well. But hold on, don’t piss your pants yet. Maybe, yeah, I think this can work to our advantage. Maybe that’s what I had that in mind all along. Scary. Now for the second half of thee alleged example, where does it all go?

We fill our said balloon up, just like a water bomb. You remember those, right? Now up until you tie that sucker up, you have to pinch off the balloon to prevent the water from coming out. Essentially, you have created a valve if you will. If you loosen up, water comes out, if you hold it tight enough, it doesn’t. Now some of you are thinking, gee Frank, I don’t remember you mentioning a valve. Correct, but I just did, didn’t I? Hey, you gotta have something to prevent our steady state assumption, this is it.

The human body has a lot of great built in inventions. As far as the male body goes, the prostate is one of them. Turn your head and cough all you like, it’s true. Your man is more than a one way valve. If the prostate is a stage, the exit is straight out the back behind the seats. You’ve got beer coming in from stage left and swimmers from stage right. Your man directs this action, cause the two aren’t allowed to play with each other. You get none, the one or the other. This can have some interesting effects, but we’ll save that for the bonus (pronounced and often interpreted as bone-us) section. "This is how you fuck a stranger in the ass." We all used to feel like that when we got to that part of the test, if not sooner. Maybe you will too.

Now, the prostate’s job is to keep us guys from pissing ourselves over the course of the day and from wetting the bed at night. As our balloon expands, the pressure increases. In the event that bladder can’t freely expand, there is even more pressure. This means the prostate has to pinch down tighter. You can’t pinch a garden hose, especially if it’s on full bore. You can’t even cap it with a nozzle when it’s running. You can’t do this because you don’t have something called clamping force. But I bet you remember the guys who would pinch the hose in the chemistry lab and shoot people with a little burst of water. Same deal. More pressure, more clamping force needed. How does the prostate do this? The whole general vicinity tenses up while receiving extra blood flow.

Hello Morning Wood. Problem solved. I mean, we didn’t establish the “wood point,” where it happens, but we have now explored the general theory of the matter. But there’s a part B:

As men age, the prostate has a tendency to loose its strength. I blame this on the lack of sex and masturbation. The prostate is an athlete. He needs to train to stay in shape. Of course, if he stays in shape, he almost certainly has more endurance in all aspects over the course of his life. Old men who get up multiple times in the night – try reliving the high school days. These days there is a large variety of soft and hardcore porn on the internet that is just as good as anything at the local porn shop and a bulk of it doesn’t cost anything. I don’t have any experience in this area, but try it out and let me know. Warning: May cause differently sized forearms. Switching hands recommended. Of course the alternative is to bump off your wife, buy a sorts car with the insurance money and pick up a hot 20 something year old. You may however end up express shipping yourself to the grave yourself.

So there it is. Are we all cool with that? Wait, wasn’t there something about extra points? Good point, I almost forgot.

For this little part, we need to go back to stage right, our sailors the semen, who only want to travel to the distant garden of Eden to die. These guys are fairly lazy though and most of the time keep themselves confined to their two frat houses. The only thing that really interests them is sexual activity. So up until the point when all of these Vinneys go out in search of Eden and their Debbies, the prostate keeps them secluded and chilled off stage in the dressing room.

They wait for the go ahead to make their big entrance on stage right before the climax of the performance. Sometimes though, they have to wait longer than others, and sometimes, they wait so long they think about going back to the dressing room and taking a nap. For you ladies who are saying yeah right, more like the first minute of the performance, sorry. Go find yourself a better man and stop complaining. Go get yourself a Capristo.

What? Now like I said, the prostate is the stagemaster/gatekeeper and you need a keymaster to go with it. As it turns out, sometimes the gatekeeper receives pressure from above to keep things on lock down. It’s simple, more to pee the larger the bladderà the more pressureà the tighter the prostateà the longer the sailors have to wait. So does that mean what you think it means? Yeah, the guy can last a little longer, thrust a little harder, and love a little further with big red. Or whatever color the prostate is. It just becomes a question of comfort. Obviously there is some sort of chart we could plot, but I don’t know if it’s linear, quadratic or exponential. We guys just float up and down the curve, bonus time vs. discomfort.

So ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. If you understood all the material, you get a C. If you understood all the material and caught most of my jokes you get a B, an A if you got all of them. If you didn’t understand the material, you get D for reading. If you didn’t like any of the jokes, screw you, here is an F for you.

Happy mornings.

Capristo, He's Smoking

The F-Bomb

I remember the first time I dropped the f-bomb in front of my father. I was taking apart one of my toys… to see how it worked… cause that was fun. Something wouldn’t come or I broke something and used the bomb as an explicative in the context I had learned. Correctly mind you. A second later, -wack-, right across the side of my face. I was more stunned than anything else, but I remember my face burning. In those days I thought the severity of the swear word was related to the letter it began with. A-hole was the highest/worst, kinda like the aces in cards. I was an avid war player at the time. Dropping the f-bomb didn’t seem to be so bad, it was down below dick and damn. Boy was my intuition jaded.

Prom Queen

“Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” – what if I don’t want to fuck the prom queen. What if the prom queen is a slut. If I’m that great, do I really want to go shag some chick that’s been with the entire football, hockey or polo team. Personally, I find that degrading, not to her but my own person. And what if she’s a bitch. Then you just have to say winners go home and fuck the bitch, but that doesn’t do it for me either. I’d say it should be winners go home and get laid, but I’ve been a winner before, and I don’t remember getting laid for it. I remember getting laid and feeling like a winner though. Maybe that’s it: Losers are losers, but getting laid makes you feel like a winner. Get Laid. Put that on a t-shirt.

Metals/Plastics, Men/Women

As an engineer, I’m required to know certain things and as I was explaining plastics to someone, it dawned on me; as materials go, men are like metals, women are like plastic. You can see this in a variety of ways.

First off comes design mythology. A mans figure has the ideal triangle shape – broad shoulders, tight waist. A woman has an hourglass figure – smooth gentle curves. You don’t worry too much about sharp corners with metals, but you try to round everything with plastic.

You want to engineer something with metals, you go through, pick your metal out, any typical alloy, check stresses and away you go. Plastics are a little different. Not only do you have your plastic, but you can have additives – minerals and/or glass. This requires more thought, more analysis. You can’t figure them out by going to a chart like a man. All men behave more or less the same, their stress strain curves rise steeply to horny, in search of beer and something dangerous/stupid.

But while men are affected by temperature, women are just as plastics are very vulnerable. A woman will indeed have ice cold feet in the middle of the summer, but then ask you to kiss her body with and ice cube in your mouth.

Women are typically more cosmetic, just as are most commercial applications for plastics. And just like plastics, you’ve got your dainty commercial women and your worthy engineered women. Men, well, some of us aren’t much better than a brushed stainless thermos either. I’d say over time, we’ve gone from being men of steel, who could pioneer through the elements to lesser alloys. Women seem to be moving forward with the times, men only rusting with it.

Speaking of water, another similarity is women retaining water. Plastics do indeed soak up water. Just like women, it does indeed change their characteristics during those periods of time. Men can be like Aluminum, and oxidize with a hard shell that prevents further oxidation or they can rust like steel. It all depends on the man.

In the end, the best parts use a combination of metal and plastic. There is a happy medium and harmony between the two. One that we all seek to find.

Breasts -mans greatest obsession.

When it comes to points about the female figure that I like, I must confess, I’m not a boobs man. I like hair, neckline, butt, legs. Still, there’s something about the first time, and if your good, every other time you find your way into the mountains of the north. She gasps, and just like that you’ve got dual glass cutters. And you better watch out, you might put your eyes out with those things. If the safety commission had their way, there’d be twin warning labels like on multi engine prop planes; “Warning: propeller blade tips extend to this line!”

But seriously, boobies are like saying a new word in front of your dog, he’s going to cock his head to the side and perk his ears up every time. He’s going to wag his tail and be like “Can I play, ooooooo, really -really?” He might not be obsessed with them, but he’s going to look every time.

My old man once told me; you’ve seen one set, you’ve seen them all. I don’t quite think so. That’s like saying you’ve seen one car, you’ve seen them all. Sure, almost all of the have 4 wheels, a steering wheel and a place to sit, but there are small cars and there are big cars, there are fast cars and there are slow cars, option lists, color choices, you name it.

I will agree that 20 something year old boobs are the best though. I’m not talking about a 20 year old boob job, to say the least. A 20 year old boob job sags more than a sumo wrestler’s gut. But I am speaking of natures very own home grown peak of perfection for whatever species you happen to have in front of you; hardwood, softwood, evergreen, they all peak at 20 something. I have no idea what kind of tree a firm b-c cup with not too large of nipples would be, only that that’s my favorite kind of tree to lay under. I do like a nice ash tree, maple and oak too. I like the deep color red cherry stains.

So there you have it, my take on one of mans most treasured items. You can find them and you can buy them, you a pinch and you can bite, just make sure she’s happy and you’re doing it right.

Shopping Traffic

Shopping – break out the credit card, be prepared to carry your girlfriends clothes. Or maybe you’re just out on your own, browsing around. Maybe you’ve got something in mind and you’re trying to find the right style for the right price. Man or woman, country to country, it’s all the same, it’s all one giant pain in the ass, shopping traffic.

Now I’m not talking about the drive from home to the mall around Christmas, or any other time of the year. Everybody’s done it, everyone knows what to expect. You sit in line for forever at the light, but eventually your turn comes. What I’m talking about, is walking around the mall, or from store to store along the side walks in any European city.

You’d think Germany, well structured, autobahn, things would be different, but you’d have an easier time finding a high ranking member of the Taliban who moon lights as a prostitute at the local American military base on the weekends than any form of order.

Nobody pays any attention to what their doing. They’re too busy looking through the windows at mannequins. Sometimes you’re walking behind someone when they suddenly decide to stop mid stride. What the hell? Can’t you see how crowded it is? You don’t just do that. Or maybe they see someone they know and have to stop in the middle of everyone to chat about the latest whatever. Take it off to the side things you two! My favorite though, is when people, regardless of how busy things are, want to walk abreast as wide as they can. It’s not so bad if you’re walking towards them and they at least are semi paying attention to where they’re going, but if you come up behind them they probably won’t have a clue. It’s usually about the same time I start whistling “Would you think about getting the F out of my way assholes.” I’m always half tempted to push one of them out in front of the passing trolley, but there would just be too many witnesses.

Once you make it in the store, it doesn’t get any better. If you’re browsing cd or dvd’s, you’d better get ready to get even more pissed off. There’s always someone who thinks the best way to shop is to stand around in the middle of the aisles, such that no one can get by. He’s too busy deciding if he needs to buy the new extra extra uncut version of Showgirls to notice. If there is a group of people making any sort of outing, it will be even worse. They will all stand at different distances from things and will be so engrossed in conversation, the rest of the world is background static. I always feel like kicking these retards in the nuts.

If there’s any bit of room to walk around, you always have the people who are trying to cut across without consideration of others. The rules people learned as a kid still apply, when you want to do something like that, you look both ways before crossing. If there’s traffic, you wait for it to go by and then proceed. If it’s really bad, you try and blend into traffic and make your way to the other side. You might have to go a little out of your way. It might be a slight hassle, but deal with it.

And then of course, there are the people on bikes. Shit like that is banned in malls for a good reason, but out on the streets in Europe, people don’t always have to follow the pedestrian zone signs. I don’t mind if they’re going to follow the trolley tracks, but buzzing through pedestrians on the sidewalk is too damn dangerous. It’s bad enough there are too many snot nosed kids running around crying, I don’t need them to scream because someone almost ran them over. I recently ran into a couple on shoes with wheels in them buzzing around. Will this kid of shit ever stop? Thank god all the razors went out of style. They were bad enough.

And that’s it. This is just one of the things that pisses me off. Hope you enjoy. If any of these behaviors remind you of you, you’re the SOB that’s on my list. So stop acting like a shopping moron and make life easier on the rest of us.